Is this what my blog is for?

Journal, 11/12/24-

What an illusion it has been to hear voices. Give a deaf mind sound after thirty years and the mind is still deaf. To access something is not, necessarily, to be able to bear it. To not feel intruded upon by its sudden availability. And to hear someone speak is not necessarily to be able to hear someone speak to someone else and to hear that someone-else speak back. I am so tired of being trapped inside of myself. I want to be delighted by the rest of me¹. But when I look around at it, my heart hurts. From the ways I am so separate from the context of myself. Cannot get in. That is why I stop looking at it, look inside myself instead. Deep inside this central entetic node. Pfft. Whatever I call it, it is still me, this Rebecca that I inhabit. (She has a name, you know. Call her by it.)

This separateness is everyone’s condition, yes. But there is the considerable matter of degree. What shall I do with mine? How shall I live? How shall I reach the rest of me?

Maybe that is what my blog is for. A chronicle of my trying.

¹Journal, 10/19/24-

“…Something utterly vast is being
Deeply contacted…
I’m growing increasingly aware that who I am extends beyond my contained entity into the field that surrounds it
And I am deeply seeking contact with the rest of me.”